Permission to Discuss: Choosing Relationship Over Being Right

In this episode of Boss Yourself First, Robyn explores how the power of discussion gives us a choice: cling to being right or choose to protect and grow connection. You'll hear practical ways to approach hard conversations with courage and care, including a fresh look at the roots of the word “discuss” for all the word nerds out there, how our brains react in moments of disagreement, and why humble curiosity is a more effective response than self-righteous certainty.

Robyn invites you to consider where you may need to give yourself permission to discuss, not to win, but to deepen relationship.

Transcript

You are listening to The Boss Yourself First podcast, season three, episode 13.

Let me ask you this, when was the last time you walked away from a conversation wishing you'd shown up differently? I had one of those moments this week, and I wanna share with you what I've learned.

 Welcome back friends to the Boss Yourself First podcast. I'm your host, Robyn White. I know we have moved into our guest series in this season of permission, but I felt like jumping in here to share something that I feel is urgent and that leads me into a small rant, so bear with me. Listen, we have. A lot of news coming at us every single day.

And in a recent conversation with a friend, she shared how heartbroken she was over the rift in her family, caused by differing responses to recent, tragic violent events. These are sensitive topics and whether we like it or not, we have to navigate them and we either navigate them with intention or we get carried away by the current of whatever source of input we're swimming in.

I'll be honest, I get frustrated. My first reaction when my friend's pain came forward when I was feeling that pain is to hop on my self righteous soapbox and to cry lazy thinking or immaturity. But if I stop there, I miss the bigger invitation. In fact, rarely can we stand on a soapbox and build a relationship at the same time.

And believe me, I'm talking to myself perhaps even more than I am to all of you, but I offer this perspective shift. Here's what I learned when I choose humble curiosity instead. When I ask what might be contributing to the situation. When I intentionally recognize and respect the humanity of the people involved, and when I reflect on how I wanna show up, that's when I can respond in a way that helps me and those around me navigate these rough waters in this very stormy season.

And that's what brought me here today to talk about the permission. We all need to give ourselves the permission to discuss. Not to debate, not to dominate, but to discuss with courage and compassion. And sometimes I know there's tension between the two, but I invite you to recognize that and to create a strategy to leverage that tension to build trust.

So think about your last conversation that you'd like to change. Maybe it was with a colleague. A friend or even someone in your family and, I think sometimes those are the hardest. You wanted connection, but somewhere along the way the discussion became a debate. And instead of feeling heard, you both walked away feeling distant, further apart. We are living in a time when it feels like the space and grace for real discussion is shrinking.

The trust deficit is real. Studies show that trust in institutions and in one another is declining. And when trust is low, we tend to armor up. We defend, dismiss, or disengage instead of staying curious and connected. I am right there with you, believe me. But self-leadership means we can give ourselves a different kind of permission, not the permission to always be right, but the permission to discuss. To choose relationship over righteousness, to prioritize humanity over the need to win. And before we get too heavy and to support my fellow word nerds out there, let me pause on the word discuss.

It comes from the Latin disco tear, which means to shake apart. Originally to discuss wasn't something to fight about, but to break it down together, to shake it apart so we could see what it's really made of. And I love that image, not clashing swords, but shaking things apart with curiosity so we can understand better.

Think about maybe a scientist in a lab breaking something apart to discover different aspects of something. That's the heart of what we're talking about today. The permission to discuss with openness, not to win, but to learn.

So in light of the season of permission and leveraging those permission principles we've been talking about all season, let's start with approaching our permission to discuss by first noticing when humans are not in the best state to do it. And that state is reactivity starting with yourself. After all, this is the Boss Yourself First podcast.

So in yourself, this is what reactivity could look like. Your jaw tightens, your heart races. You start rehearsing your comeback before the other person even finishes talking. That's your nervous system. Hijacking the wheel, cortisol spikes, and suddenly the conversation feels like survival. You're in a reactive state.

You're ready to fight. To run away or to freeze up. That's what it looks like in yourself. Now, how do you detect it in others? You'll see the cues raised voices, clipped sentences, repeating the same point, or shutting down completely, and then physically think about balled up fists, and that person might move closer into your personal space, ready to fight, right, or folded arms and distancing themselves for flight. Here's where this first permission principle approach comes in. Approach means entering the conversation with awareness and intention. Instead of charging in on autopilot, ask yourself, what state am I in and what state are they in?

Noticing reactivity is part of how we approach discussions with clarity, letting emotions inform us, but not direct us, because if we don't notice, reactivity gets to run the show. So when you feel the heat rise, pause, breathe, and remind yourself. Relationship matters more than being right. And let's also check in on our goals here.

If you truly believe this person's perspective is misguided or misinformed. You will not influence them by disconnecting from them. Shunning builds walls, relationship builds influence. So once you've noticed reactivity, it's time to adjust. Adjusting means shifting from instinct to intention and moving from defense to dialogue.

The tool I wanna give you here is the three R framework. Respect, reflect, respond, all Rs. You know, I love alliteration, so here we go. Let's break it down a little bit. Respect, acknowledge the dignity of the other person. Even if you disagree. Start with I value hearing your perspective. This lowers the temperature in the room.

Reflect, mirror back what you've heard. Try something like, so what I'm hearing is that you're concerned about da, da, da, da. Reflect, helps people feel seen rather than attacked. And listen, my friends, keep that sarcasm outta your voice, like, I can't believe you believe this. Instead, remember, you're coming from this intentional place.

You respect them as humans. What I'm hearing is that this is your concern. Reflect that back. It lowers defenses. It signals that you're listening instead of planning a rebuttal and then respond only after respect and reflection do you share your own perspective and you do it humbly. Use I statements.

Here's how I see it from my experience not to win, but to contribute. This is how we adjust when reactivity rises. We give ourselves permission to shift from instinct to intention. And again, we move from defense to dialogue. Okay. We've walked through it now. So it's your turn to practice.

Think of a recent reactive moment and write it down. Write what you wanted to blurt out. It's okay. We're not judging it. We're just writing it out there. This would've probably come from your instinct, from your reactive state. Maybe you even did blurt it out, but write it down. Then I want you to rewrite it using the three R's and each R gets one line.

This constraint will help us. So one line. One line of respect, one line of reflection, and one response. And this is how we retrain ourselves to choose connection over correction. That's making the adjustment of reacting from instinct into responding from leadership.

Now I know all of this sounds great in theory, but what does it look like in real life? In fact, I wanna share an example of how this affected not just two leaders, but also their team and their organization. So this is talking about, a couple of people at a community nonprofit, two staff members.

They were in lead positions, let's call them Elena and Marcus, and they were locked in a bit of a power struggle. Elena was pushing for big public forums to engage the community right away, and Marcus believed in quiet coalition building over time. Both cared deeply. Both were very bright and good at their jobs, cared about the organization and both were convinced that their way was the right way.

So you can imagine the tension in meetings was thick and the team was starting to feel divided between their two leaders felt like they had to take a side, and at one point Elena critiqued Marcus's proposal in front of everyone, and the room got really quiet. Morale dipped, trust diminished. But instead of letting the rift grow, Elena took a different approach.

She reached out privately to Marcus and said, Hey, I know I came and wound up about pushing forward with my ideas, and I do really respect your intentions and your experience. I don't wanna just counter you. I want to understand you. And that one sentence shifted everything. Marcus opened up and he said, Hey, I felt really dismissed and a little humiliated.

But I also see why urgency matters to you. And they started listening to each other. They reflected each other's perspectives out loud, Elena said. So what I'm hearing is that you believe slow trust building will strengthen the public forums. And Marcus said, I hear that you see urgency as responsibility to the community.

Neither one abandoned their values, but they gave up the fight to be right, and together they adjusted and created a hybrid strategy. The forums had legitimacy because the coalition groundwork was already laid and the teams trusted them, grew stronger, not weaker, because they worked through it together and they chose to build instead of tear apart.

That's the power of choosing relationship over being right. And you know, I'm gonna do the research to keep an eye on what science is saying about the topics we discussed. So science backs this up. A 2025 study found that direct interpersonal communication boosts collaboration when mutual trust is high.

So to have the direct conversation, you need that foundation of trust and when it's there, people share not just facts, but intuition and ideas. It fosters innovation and continues to cycle up in building trust. Though a 2024 study showed that gratitude and reframing increased trust, so when we choose to see others with compassion, our trust levels rise.

Communication research reminds us that trust is built moment by moment in how we listen, acknowledge and respond. Sound familiar? It kind of aligns with our three Rs. So listen, acknowledge, and respond, and here's what that means. Translating that into how that affects us, it means that every time you adjust to respect, reflect, and respond, you are literally building trust word by word.

This is how we're gonna beat the trust deficit, but we have to intentionally choose it. All right. Here's where the third permission principle comes in. That principle is act. Acting means actually practicing this in your daily life, not just knowing about reactivity or even the three Rs, but by putting them into play. At work.

At home. In your community. It means having one brave conversation this week where you choose relationship over being right. So here's this week's permission slip. My friends, I give myself permission to discuss with courage and compassion, choosing relationship over being, right.

Oh my friends, I invite you to try this. Notice your reactivity adjust with the three Rs. And then act. Choose one conversation this week where you show up with connection as the goal. And before we wrap up, just a quick invitation if you'd like to keep this conversation going. You can join my email list and get my newsletters.

I have one that's weekly, Three on Thursday, and then I have a monthly one called The Shadehouse Letters, where I share stories and tools and reflections to support you on your self-leadership journey. You can find the link in the show notes. And if this podcast has been meaningful to you, one of the best ways you can support it is by sharing it with a friend or leaving a review or even picking up a copy of my new book, Three Permissions. Every bit of support helps this message reach more people who need it.

Until next time, remember. Leading yourselves first means choosing connection over correction, and that choice creates the ripple effect of trust We are all so hungry for. All right. Take care everyone.